SAMPLE FEEDBACK

SAMPLE 1.

Author: Lise Bennett	Genre: Drama	Date: 12/30/10	Score: 118
Title: Crossing the Line			Reader: LB
Logline/Synopsis: Jamie Weston, a young American, takes a vacation with her brother to El Salvador in 1980, not realizing that the Salvadoran Civil War is about to break out. After her brother is killed by the police, Jamie is helped by a kind young teacher, Inez, and her family. After returning to Arizona, Jamie decides to get involved in the Sanctuary Movement and risk her life to transport refugees, including Inez, over the border.

POINT	SCORE	NOTES
Voice	9	Thanks for such an inspiring and well-written script! I loved how you took a very complicated piece of history and personalized it with a very intimate story. It’s incredibly difficult to write about and comment on something as massive as the Salvadoran Civil War and the Sanctuary Movement without getting bogged down in facts. I thought you did a great job of giving us just enough factual information to understand the story and then focused the rest of your energy on getting us emotionally engaged with your characters. Making the script all about the characters also kept your script from getting too preachy. It’s clear from your story choice that you must have a very passionate position on these controversial issues, but the script didn’t feel heavy handed because your characters and their struggles felt so organic and real. Your script lets us watch people living during a tumultuous time, rather than forces us to hear a moral message or history lesson. Your writing style is very polished and has a nice flow to it. Everything was clear and easy to follow, but there were just a few places where the script felt a little disjointed because it was jumping back and forth between parallel events (for example, cutting between Jamie and Inez crossing the border and the Sanctuary Symposium). I understand that you chose to do this to connect thematic elements together, but I think that the significance might be lost on the audience if they are too disoriented going back and forth. Your writing is strong enough that audiences will easily pick up on the fact that two events are connected with fewer cuts. One other suggestion you can play with is the idea of showing other Sanctuary Movement members getting arrested to add more weight to the risks Jamie and the others are taking. The arrests are mentioned, but never shown. It might be interesting for us to witness how and when they get caught because then when we see Jamie in the same setting, there will be an even greater sense of impending danger. The script is great as-is, so this is just an extra suggestion to think about. Overall, this is a wonderful and impressive script that could have real value in the market place. Fantastic job!
Story	9
Structure	8
Theme	9
Tone	9
Premise/ Concept	9
Plot Points	8
Pacing	9
Conflict	9
Characterization	9
Dialogue	8
Marketability	8
Commerciality	7
Salability	7
TOTAL POINTS	118/140

IN ONE OR TWO SENTENCES PLEASE EXPLAIN IF AND WHY THE MATERIAL SHOULD BE ELIGIBILE FOR ANY OF THE FOLLOWING AWARDS:

Diversity & Inclusion Award This award promotes diversity and inclusion on screen. We spotlight screenplays where the main character or a majority of characters are under represented in cinema.

Culture & Heritage Award Encouraging writers who bring attention to the importance of culture and heritage in our world through their writing.

Humanitarian Award Rewarding material that highlights social and political issues around the world, as well as writers that strive to make a positive difference through their writing.

Courage & Fortitude Award Rewarding writers who dare to think outside the box, don't conform to formula or convention, and are determined to push the boundaries of imagination and innovation.

This script highlights issues around the US government’s often negative stance on harboring refugees of war and allowing undocumented aliens into the country. The movie isn’t preachy, it just tells the story of some of the people who started the movement to help refugees from Central America and lets the audience decide what to think. For this reason, Crossing the Line should be considered for the Humanitarian Award.

SAMPLE 2.

Author: Emily Jenkins

Genre: Drama

(Sci-Fi/ Thriller)

Date: 12/19/10

Score: 103

Title: The Placebo Effect

Reader: LB

Logline/Synopsis: Paul, a genetic scientist, brings home a clone of his wife, Christine, after she was killed in a car accident. When Christine realizes that she is a clone, she runs away to try to find her own true identity apart from the real Christine. It’s up to Paul to save her from the dangers of the world, and Darren, a slimy colleague who helped create her.

POINT	SCORE	NOTES
Voice	8	Thanks for such a provocative script! You chose to examine some very interesting and controversial topics surrounding life, death, identity, and the possibility of cloning humans. The story and premise are unique and gave you the opportunity to raise fascinating questions and explore weighty themes about where society is heading. You created an intriguing and dystopian future world that’s not that far from reality. The script is action-packed and exciting. I like how you kept the suspense level high and served up an unexpected ending. You did a good job of keeping your story action-driven throughout most of the script. However, Act I is a little slow and long. The scenes where you show Paul bonding with Christine and trying to get her to remember everything are beautifully-written, but not much actually happens plot-wise. It’s not until page 35 that she finds out that she is a clone, which is the inciting incident that launches the main plot. This should happen earlier so that you can get the story moving sooner and get your audience hooked faster. It will also prevent some confusion, since up until that point the script leads us to believe that she only has temporary amnesia from the accident, which makes the revelation of the truth a little too jarring. Your protagonist and his colleagues already know everything, so the fake-out is solely to get a reaction from the audience and thus, it feels a little gimmicky. Try to always show us the story from Paul’s perspective and let us know what he knows so that we can identify with him through the whole film. I love all of the characters. They’re interesting, well-written, and unique. There were times, however, when they felt inconsistent. Christine seems to waver between being a self-aware adult and an oblivious child. Paul, the cloning expert, often expects Christine to know things that only someone with real life experience would know, but in other scenes, he coddles her like a helpless baby. I didn’t fully understand the nature of cloning in the world of this film. Does the clone start with a clean slate and have to learn everything like a newborn? Or does she automatically already have the life experience and knowledge of the original woman? Whatever you decide, making the behavior consistent will make your characters and plot stronger. You did a great job of building suspense and mystery around what actually happened to the real Christine and why Darren is so evil is great, but I was disappointed when the mystery is never explained. You’ve already won half the battle by building all this great suspense; now you just need to deliver what you promised by tying all the loose ends together for a really dramatic, climactic and satisfying end.
Story	8
Structure	6
Theme	8
Tone	7
Premise/ Concept	8
Plot Points	7
Pacing	7
Conflict	8
Characterization	7
Dialogue	7
Marketability	7
Commerciality	8
Salability TOTAL POINTS	7 103/140